Wednesday, March 04, 2015

CSI Cyber

I can't really say that I was waiting with baited breath for this show to start.  I actually Only became aware of it a couple weeks ago, but I decided what the hell it's better than another night of cutting myself or playing Russian Roulette in a Viet Cong drug den so I gave it a shot.

What can I say? I was wrong.  Cutting myself or taking the chance of a .38 caliber slug pounding thru my skull may well have been preferable to what I just saw.  And I only watched the first five minutes of the show.  It was quite literally the worst 5 minutes of television that I can recall watching, and that is saying something considering I grw up in the 60's and 70's when Buck Rodgers in the 24th Century was considered high television art.

To give you a hint of what this experience was like -

The show opens with a close up of a baby with a bunch of babbling Chinese voices in the background.  The camera pulls out and and we see a masked man bending over and taking the baby out of the crib and holding it up to face the baby cam. The voices increase in volume and the baby's mother wakes.  She and the father race to the room and find the baby gone but still hear the voices coming over the speaker.

We then cut to Patrica Arquette doing hacker stuff.  we know she is a hacker because she is using two laptops at the same time while drinking a Big Gulp full of, presumably, Mountain Dew. (The image isn't complete, she doesn't have NMAP up on the screen and Techno is blaring at window shattering levels but they tried) It's late at night but she gets an email with a crime report outlining the abduction.  Springing into action she contacts her boss and tells him she wants the case because anything that involves and electronic device is by definition cyber.  He of course agrees because the logic is unassailable, (beat your husband to death with the blender?  That's a cyber crime.  Run over your neighbor while texting? Cyber crime.  You get the picture).

Now we get James Van DerBeek playing retro video games, blah blah blah.  Shad Moss appears as the troubled hacker sentenced by the judge to work at the FBI (but one slip up and it's 5 years in prison). Oh and one obese FBI agent, who is the world's best white hat hacker, and one pretty girl hacker.  You get the picture.

Team assembled they are off to Boston where Bow Wow and the obese guy have a spat and Arquette reassures the mother about their commitment to getting her kid back by telling her "I too have been violated"

YEAH!!!! By your agent when he convinced you to accept this role.

At this point my eyes started to bleed spontaneously.  I had to turn the TV off.  I really con't convey how horrible this experience was.  The only thing I can really think of too compare it too is that guy in the Darwin Awards who tries to use a buffing wheel to masturbate and ends up ripping his scrotum off.  That would be a distant second.  It was that horrible.  It's not just all the little things like why would you have a bunch of people watching you and chattering while you steal a baby, or why would a judge sentence a hacker to be an FBI employee.  It's not the fact that Patricia Arquette is unconvincing in the role.  It's not that the acting was horrible.  It's a synergistic suckitude that saps the will to live.

I am seriously thinking about suing CBS for the physical and emotional distress this show caused me.

You know the worst thing about this? Lil Bow Wow showed such promise in fast and Furious Tokyo Drift.  It's painful to see him fall so low.

Obviously I don't recommend this show.  Unless, you are running a CIA Black Site and need to make a prisoner talk.
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