Monday, March 09, 2015

CSI Cyber - Part Deux (or Part Doo as in Dog Doo)

My jokes are a little highbrow sometimes so I thought maybe I should slip the explanation in.

My first foray into the world of CSI Cyber did not end well, but it's Sunday, I'm sure I have something to repent for and I don't own a hair shirt so I decided to try finish watching episode one of this series.

God it was worse than I remember.

When last we left my eyes had just started fountain blood as Patricia Arquette was explaining her own sense of violation to the mother of the kidnapped child.  After the mother refuses this offering of victimization sisterhood we see Arquette's eyes harden in and expression of both hurt and suspicion.

Something is clearly wrong, her keenly honed psychiatric instincts tell her; and she is proven right in short order when the distraught mother, instead of meekly handing over her cell phone to be sealed in a Faraday bag sneaks a whole five feet away and calls the baby's "grandmother" to inform "her" what is going on and seek comfort.  This monstrous act having confirmed Arquette's suspicions - she pulls the mother's cell phone records and deduces she is having an affair.  (Magical instant DNA testing confirms that the father isn't the father)

(Oh I forgot at some point we see what a great Behavioral Psychologist Arquette's character is when she helps the father recover the long repressed memory (5 minutes?) of the voices on the baby monitor by telling him to just breathe and relax.  

Seriously this happened,  I can't make this up.  I wish I could because then I would be writing this show and making all that sweet sweet CSI money)

Great, we now have a suspect.  He lives 5 minutes away and has nothing to do with baby monitors or foreign voices so we know he isn't the real suspect but in the interest of drama they go to his boat repair shop find another kidnapped baby and are informed that two more babies have been stolen, in NY and, I don't know, let's say Alaska.

At this point the show veered into total ridiculousness and my brain entered a fugue like state and refused to accurately track what was happening anymore:

Things that I believe happened but cannot accurately verify due to the seizure like nature of my condition:

1.  I wet myself

2.  The actual father of the kidnapped baby gives a description of the kidnappers of "She looked like a lush and he looked rough" Based of this description Bow Wow searches facebook locates two possible suspects.  Attractive girl hacker then shows why she is on the team by pointing out that all the pictures are tagged Ricky and that guys like him always have pictures of their cars.

3.  They now have a name and license plate.  Do they issue an Amber alert or an APB.  No.  That would be too mundane.  Instead super-psycho Arquette uses logic to precisely locate the couple:

4. I bit thru my tongue.

5.  Obese hacker flies to Chicago to examine the baby monitors source code.  He is outraged (OUTRAGED!!) to discover that there is a vulnerability that affects up to 45000 of these monitors.  BTW apparent you have to plug directly into the network switch to examine source code.

"What were you planning to do?  Just issue a patch and hope it goes away?"  YES, you fat moron.  That is what companies do.  Not in CSI world though.  In CSI world the FBI shuts down a company because they don't like it's software.

6.  I think at this point my bowels may have released. I know I prayed for the sweet release of death.

7.  The hackers send a message to the neighbor kid over his XBox threatening to kill kidnapped baby #1 if the baby monitor network isn't turned back on.  The hackers apparently don't know about the secret identifier that every XBox has so that pedophiles who recruit children thru Call of Duty can be tracked.  Because of their ignorance they are tracked to their exact street address.

8.  They finally figure out this this is a baby auction.  I'm not sure why the voices had to be broadcast thru the baby monitors, but selling babies was the fiendish plan.

9.  They raid the headquarters of the Mexican(?) gang responsible.  We know they are a gang because of the table full of automatic weapons laid out in the middle of the room.  The leader gets identified by secret psychological methods.  A password protected computer is found with a 20 or 21 character passcode.  We are informed that cracking this code will take a computer with a 3 GHz processor approximately 10,000,000,000 years.  Not to worry though we have Arquette and Bow Wow.  they find a bunch of Tattoos on the leaders body with dates in them and then Bow Wow raps and abra-cadabra the password is found.

(Again, I wish I was making this up but that literally happened.)

10.  Dramatic baby rescue.

11.  Arquette reveals her characters tragic backstory.  (Psychologist who keeps her patient's records on her computer.  She gets hacked.  Records are posted on line.  She loses practice (and license ?).  Joins FBI.  Now tries to save one hacker at a time so that what happened to her won't happen to others.  And let me say she is doing a damn fine job of it.)

12.  While the rest of the team heads out for a celebratory beer, Arquette sits on the steps on the Lincoln Memorial and stares contemplatively into space.  Probably trying to figure out how to free us from the tyranny of the machines.

13.  I awoke this morning covered in my own blood and feces.  My vision still blurred I struggled to my computer and typed this review for you.
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